Both my sister-in-law and nephew have birthdays at the end of July. My nephew had his first birthday last summer, and I could not believe the amount of crap presents he was given from friends and family members.
I’m not trying to be a big old Scrooge. He’s a cute kid and obviously well-loved by many. As he should be! But before his birthday party, he already had a room full of toys to play with — and this collection provided more than enough stuff to engage and entertain him.
Plus, he turned one. He won’t remember anything about the party or who gave him what. But everyone showed up with huge bags of plastic toys anyway. Why?
Why did everyone feel obligated to spend $25 to $50 on unnecessary items?
And why did everyone feel obligated to do it all over again, a year later, when all the same conditions apply? My nephew still has more toys than he knows what to do with and he’ll have no idea if he did or did not receive birthday presents from distant relations this year.
Because our gift giving culture is out of control and completely unreasonable, that’s why.
A Whole Lot of Wasteful Spending
It was such a waste to purchase all that stuff and spend all that money to do so. But everyone feels obligated, even when it makes absolutely no sense, because of what our society says about giving gifts and presents.
We’re pressured into showing up to a one-year-old’s birthday party with not only a gift, but the right gift. Handmade — or homemade items — may not be good enough. Items that the recipients know didn’t cost but a few bucks are regarded as cheap, and maybe even tacky. Nevermind that we’re told “it’s the thought that counts.”
Everyone knows that the receiving end of the present is not thinking that.
And never mind that the people who end up with the most lavish presents, in both quantity and quality, are the ones who need it least. Never mind that the gift-givers are often cash-strapped and this additional spending stresses them out. Never mind that there are more meaningful ways to share our joy, love, and support with one another than exchanging stuff in bags that we forget about or toss within six months.
It all adds up to a bunch of wasteful spending. And it drives me nuts. But no one else seems to be on the same page with me.
It’s a Vicious Cycle!
Nothing explains our gift giving problem like this quote from Sheldon Cooper, a character on The Big Bang Theory:
Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift. You’ve given me an obligation.
Of course I [have to give you a present in return]. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
This was a script obviously written for laughs, but it’s funny because it’s true. We’ve created this vicious cycle of gift one-ups-manship, and it’s disguised as polite manners. In fact, if you decline to engage you’re not making a statement like, “I don’t want to participate in this insane or unnecessary level of consumerism,” or “I’m trying to be financially responsible and right now all my discretionary income is going toward my debt repayments and my retirement accounts.”
Oh no. Society believes you’re saying, “screw you. I’m a greedy Grinch who will happily except your present although I give nothing in return. Ha ha!”
Or something like that.
It doesn’t seem to matter if you expressly say you do not want presents. (Trust me, I’ve tried.) Our gift giving culture demands your participation, regardless of your own beliefs, values, and financial situation.
I’m Taking a Stand (in My Own Little Way)
As this article put so well, “we’ve made gift-giving and celebration an obligatory pressure in an over-consumptive, materialistic, and wasteful society. The bar for traditional celebrations is raised higher and higher.” But I’m not going to go along with it.
This year, in an effort to search out the right presents for both my nephew’s and my sister-in-law’s birthdays, I decided enough was enough. I walked into my sister-in-law’s favorite store to do what we had done for the past I-don’t-even-know-how-many-years: pick up a $50 gift card to stick in her birthday card.
Why? Because they always give me and my spouse $50 gift cards to the same exact stores for our birthdays every year. That’s the only reason.
I feel obligated to spend as much or more as someone else does on gifts for me because doing otherwise would be cheap, tacky, or rude. That’s insane.
So I put my foot down and selected two pairs of pretty earrings that I thought she would like. And I’m not going to feel bad that my total was only $22 instead of $50.
And for my nephew? Showing up without anything at all would create instant drama that I would happily pay money to avoid. So we marched into Toys R Us and asked where the 2-year-old stuff was. When we entered the section, we were assaulted by sound and light.
I hesitated for a brief moment between a little drum set that cost $45 and a Cookie Monster plush that you could make sing with you as you squeezed him. It made me smile and my husband wouldn’t stop squeezing him, amused (and it was $12).
Cookie Monster came home with us and was wrapped up in a present next to my sister-in-law’s gift.
Will they judge our gifts and declare them less-than-sufficient? Perhaps. Will the earrings be returned in hopes of exchanging them for something better, only to think we’re awful and cheap when the store credit amount prints out? Maybe.
But, as far as I see it, that’s not something I need to worry over or feel guilty about. I chose these presents with the recipient in mind. If anyone thinks my presents are terrible because the price tags on each was not “enough,” that’s a personal problem that they’ll need to handle themselves.
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Personal Capital lets you see all of your accounts in one convenient place. Sign up now for free.Have you ever gone a different route with gift-giving instead of confirming to traditional expectations and obligations?
This is exactly how I feel about gift giving! My sister has 3 kids and I am SO thankful that she’s also anti-tons of useless gifts for her kids. We don’t give them bday presents and I ask my sister exactly what they need/want for Christmas every year. I much prefer buying them things I know they’ll enjoy rather than just a bunch of junk!
That’s awesome that you and your family members are on the same page! I’m so tired of feeling anxious and stressed out over gifts because I didn’t spend “enough.” No one in my family wants for anything, so it feels ridiculous to have us all basically pass our money around in a circle in the form of more stuff! Ah well. Maybe this year we’ll start a new trend since I bucked the system.. 😉
I understand where you are coming from, but your actions seems ungenerous and selfish.
Perhaps having a face-to-face with those whom you exchange gifts would be more productive, so an appropriate price-range is agreed upon or a decision to stop exchanging gifts in some cases?
Are you planning on keeping the $50 gift card, if it is forthcoming this year from your brother and sister-in-law, or does your downscaling only work in one direction?
Hi Mark! It seems I should have elaborated a bit more on this part of my post: “It doesn’t seem to matter if you expressly say you do not want presents. (Trust me, I’ve tried.)”
By that I mean, I’ve tried to explain to family members that I don’t need anything and I feel uncomfortable with the thought of anyone spending money to buy me stuff. However, they insist on giving presents and demand I provide a list of things I want for holidays and birthdays. Trying to say “no thanks” to presents has actually resulted in some nasty fights with lots of hurt feelings (this was after I suggested there was no need for adults in the family to exchange gifts), so instead of refusing to participate I try to be thoughtful about what I ask for, which means being thoughtful on price too (this was after there was some face-to-face conversation about price ranges).
Trying to elaborate on the whole family history of gifts would have doubled the length of this post, which was already pretty wordy, but perhaps I should have considered it seeing as the point behind the story I used to deliver it seemed lost. The message I was trying to convey was extremely similar to that of the article I linked to in the post.
PS — I don’t have a brother 🙂 Part of the reason negotiating gift giving is even more difficult.. it’s not my family we’re talking about and I have been blamed for “trying to ruin Christmas” before after suggesting we tone down the gift giving in all directions.
Thanks for the thoughtful and informative reply.
I clearly made some errant assumptions. 🙂
I think we all agree, however, that an emphasis on material goods is misplaced, especially for those who have all they need.
My family does a white elephant gift exchange for xmas… Always a good time with my family and puts a lot of fun in the day rather than dreading over specific gifts for certain people… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_elephant_gift_exchange
However, the kids say 8 y/o and under always get something in the way of new gifts from some of the adults.
Great article!!! I go thru similar situations with my family. I happen to be one of the most well off in my family’s current generation. So anytime there are celebrations and such with gifts I really hate going cheap on things as it makes me look bad. I can’t say that I feel like they expect me to do a lot for them but I always hear comments about how well I’m doing that I’m down to having no debt and my house almost paid off and my car is paid off. Where as they have plenty of debt to go around, mortgage payments, car payments etc… They think I make a boat load of money which is not true.. I make decent money, but I’m smart about budgeting and what I spend it on.
Why by a kid another gift or toy that is merely going to distract them for a short period of time to play with it.. I have chosen a new path recently to give money to them at a later date. Though savings bonds, stock donations, 529 account avenues and things that I see which will really make sense to them in another 20 years.
Thanks Tim. I like the idea of contributing to something like a 529 account or providing savings bonds. I feel that’s far less wasteful than buying more stuff that no one is even going to remember in a year or so!
I think my niece and nephew and other little ones in the family can appreciate it more in the long run when they have a little leg up on paying for further education.
I really don’t like the pressure society puts on us to give people gifts. In my family, we decided to just have a secret santa for christmas. That way we only have to buy one gift. It is more important to us to just get together for Christmas than giving each other another sweater.
I also don’t like to get invited to weddings because everybody expects you to pay for THEIR wedding. I still go and give money because I’m a sucker, but I don’t like it.
I’m glad you made the comment about weddings.. I recently went to one that I was part of and was AMAZED at how much it cost to participate! That’s something else that’s completely out of control.
I agree with you totally. I should give a gift because I want to, not because I received something similar from the recipient. That really goes against the whole idea of gift giving. I think as long as your intentions are good, there is not a problem buying a cheaper item. Looking back at all the useless gifts and goods that I have received for Christmas over the years, I would have loved to receive gifts of stock of bonds in the same amount.
I definitely don’t want to be cheap — but before I would not buy something because it was “only” $25 and felt like people would be upset because I didn’t spend more. Now, however, I’d much rather take the time to find something I put thought into and not worry about the price!
Yeah, I feel like you always have to give *something* as there’s no real way to pull it off unless both sides have agreed upon it for real. Which as we all know hardly happens (though my wife and I both didn’t exchange anniversary gifts this year which was pretty impressive! :)). So I do what you just did and find something I really REALLY think they’re going to use or enjoy and just go there regardless of price (within my budget of course). I’ll even go the “tacky” route and give cash like I did this year to a 7 y/o. I didn’t want to give him just another toy so I found a funny card and put a $20 bill in it and then drew a picture on it 😉 There’s NO WAY he’s not going to want that! Every kid wants money – so I just did it and had to listen to those who said it was tacky. The kid didn’t think so!
I’m going to have to start going that way from now on — stop worrying about price and what someone else is going to think. And I bet that kid didn’t think it was tacky! I think my mind would have exploded had someone given me a $20 bill as a kid 😉
Oh gosh, I can’t believe someone would say you’re trying to ruin Christmas. The spirit of Christmas is not in the gifts! It’s about spending time with loved ones. I’ve faced the same challenges, and I kind of hate this time of year, as there are so many birthday’s around the corner. I always tell my family not to get me anything, but they say “that’s not right.” Then they complain about how much they have to spend on gifts every Christmas…
My cousins are throwing a big 1 year birthday party for their daughter, and I’m trying to find out if they have a 529 for her, as I know she’s going to receive everything under the sun. I’d rather not contribute to the inevitable clutter.
I hope that 529 is an option if not… HELP get it setup for her!!!
This is America.. LOL where the culture is Christmas is about getting a bunch of crap…. Black Friday and consumer / retail chaos!!!
However, I doubt there are many…. if any… of that crowd who would be following finance blogs like these.. 🙂
Sounds like we deal with similar situations! It’s frustrating and stressful. But I’m glad you’re looking into the 529 idea! Much better use of a gift than more plastic crap 😀
Great article! We helped the new parents in our families set up 529 college savings plans for their little ones. That way we can add money to their college savings for special occasion and just bring something small to open to parties. We also draw names at thanksgiving so each couple only has one other couple to buy for at Christmas. It cuts down on shopping stress! Good luck changing the attitudes of your family members. Sometimes it just takes people awhile to warm up to change.
Thankfully we do Secret Santa now for the holidays, which helps, but I still feel frustrated with things like birthdays — I don’t see the point of the adults exchanging gifts, especially when it’s just gift cards. Might as well stuff cash into an envelope and call it a day! It’s just silly, so I wanted to do something a little different this year that was both more thoughtful (buying something specific with each person in mind) and cost-effective (who says I MUST spend X amount no matter what?)
I have a big family so Christmas is always a jumble. We’ve been trying different ways to lower the number of gifts each person has to buy… it’s always unmanageable.
Last year, my gift obsessed cousin decided we would play games with gift prizes. Each person was to bring a $15 gift. With an even mix of men and women, retirement age, children and the rest of us, everyone ended up buying gifts that no one wanted. Most people ended up “accidentally” leaving the gifts at the host’s house, or in my case- being directly donated to Goodwill.
Hopefully, come December, we will all remember how stupid it was in 2013. Why can’t families just spend time together? No gifts. Please.
Oh goodness! That’s just a mess (although also a funny story to share and look back on I hope). I understand it’s fun to give gifts if you’re able to do so.. but for every occasion, and to give lavishly each time, it’s overwhelming!
That is so true! And of course it applies to all gifts. I mean really I don’t need anything, so I just prefer gift cards to somewhere I would buy stuff at anyways. Which then, in return, I have to provide them with gift cards to what they want. It is a viscous cycle. And it is only starting to grow as people start having kids.
Yup! I completely understand. I like getting stuff as much as the next person, but I know I don’t need anything and I dislike the weird expectations and “rules” set up around gifts.
I really hate the obligatory nature of gift-giving, especially around weddings. My in-laws actually asked us to give them a list of what we’d received from their friends, so they could ensure that they gave gifts of the same value to their friends’ children in the future. That just feels so wrong to me!
That’s crazy! It’s such a shame that we feel obligated in that way.
In my family, when I brought up the idea that we adults all stop handing around $50 gift cards to each other for Christmas, I was met with relief and gratitude. Sort of a collective sigh, like “why didn’t we stop this years ago?!” Now we play one of those white elephant games, everyone brings a $10 gift and we draw numbers, and get to steal a gift that was previously opened, etc. It’s a hoot and MUCH cheaper!
I’d love to convince some of my family to do something like white elephant! We did switch to a Secret Santa and put a price limit on everything, which has made Christmas much more enjoyable. Birthdays are still a little out of control, though.. we’re getting there 😉
Preach! Earlier this year, we went to a one-year-old’s birthday party and the dad greeted us by saying he wished everyone would have showed up empty-handed, gesturing to the pile of crap that was accumulating at the corner of the room. He said his son had plenty of toys and he likely wouldn’t get to/understand half the stuff he received. The gift he got from me was a small stuffed animal that looked like his brown labrador, and it was originally given to me by my husband for Valentine’s Day. Like you, I no longer play the “they-spent-this-on-me-so-I-need-to-spend-it-on-them” game. Instead, I find something I think they’ll enjoy, whether it’s at a store or from my own collection! So far, no complaints.
i think this is a good approach, but it would be better to let people know in advance that no gifts are expected, and be sincere about it. You could offer a donation or something in lieu of the gift, so people feel as though they are doing something that would like to take part. When you take the action that the dad did, you risk isolating and offending the people that actually put thought and time into their selection by grouping them with everyone else.
I’m definitely trying to embrace that approach from now on — stop worrying about the dollar value and if it’s “enough,” and give something that I believe suits them and they would enjoy.
I think I have gotten off of the gift train to a large extent. I don’t like the social pressure it puts on people to try to find the “perfect” gift and spend excess money. It just isn’t needed. When it comes to younger kids I will always buy a gift but within reason. All of my friends and family I agreed a long time ago to stop exchanging gifts. Instead we place a higher importance on spending time together on birthdays either over a dinner or a home cooked meal. Same goes for the holidays. Good job on putting your foot down and taking your own stance on the topic!
I’m definitely trying! Sounds like you guys have the right idea — and to be fair, the people who give gifts in our family like to get together and celebrate by having dinner with everyone, and that’s nice. I just wish they understood that is more than enough! Some of my family has agreed to keep gift-giving to a minimum, and it makes for much more relaxed and stress free holidays and special occasions. Other sides, though, are still very much gift-crazy. Which makes me crazy 😉
Thank you for verbalizing what I have felt for years. It is totally out of control. I love buying presents for my two kids(9 & 7) and wife. I don’t even mind the nieces and nephews(7 of them).
But the two that drive me crazy:
1) Bridal showers for 40+ year olds getting married for the second time. Seriously my wife and I need to buy you a gift two months before we buy you another gift for your wedding:-0
2) Birthday parties for every kid in my kids class. In our town the school makes it clear that if people have a birthday party for the child they need to invite everyone in the class so my kids are invited to an absurd number of parties. We don’t do this buy the way so we are just lighting money on fire.
I cracked up at your #1! That’s crazy about the kids’ birthdays, though. The school shouldn’t put pressure on families like that!
I love giving gifts especially to my family. Last week, I got two birthday party invitations. I bought a gift which is not expensive, but I made sure that my gifts are very useful for the birthday celebrants, I’m not a fan of buying very expensive gifts.
This post is SO important as a subject of conversation, especially given how taboo it is.
We nixed gift giving many years ago. Yesterday was my birthday and I got nothing except for hugs from friends and a bouquet of nondescript flowers from my husband (which we buy every week or so anyway ;). And it was great. My big “treat” for the evening was spending a few hours with hubby and our dog on the couch watching a movie while eating birthday cake and it was wonderful.
The gifts my family, friends and I are now exchanging are gifts of time and attention, two resources that are sorely lacking in our society these days. We organize dinners and potlucks, coffee dates that last 3hrs, visits to local galleries or other events, help each other out when needed or just because…and we’re happier for it. The best memories are never about “stuff”. They’re about special moments in time and those are priceless.
Thanks for a great post Kali.
I totally hear you on this! I have been uncomfortable with the gift-giving merry-go-round for years. I hate the wasted money, the wasted resources, and the wasted time, when all I really want to do is spend time with my loved ones. I have all the things I could possibly need, so please don’t buy me more.
Unfortunately, my family of origin’s love language is present-buying. The thing is, it doesn’t even have to be presents *I* want. They just want to buy buy buy for me and my husband and kids. Luckily, I live 11 hours away by car, so I often just quietly give away the things that don’t fit with our life, although it makes me feel terrible.
Right now, I’m trying to navigate the gift-giving etiquette for children’s parties. (I’m not even broaching the idea of having family not give my kids gifts for their birthdays.) I want my boys’ friends to come over to play and have fun for a birthday party. There is no need for them to bring presents (and in fact I don’t want them). But trying to navigate the expectation of presents is a minefield. I just recently wrote about how we’re dealing with it this year:
http://social.stretcher.com/blogs/12/113/live-like-a-mensch-no-gift-birt